miss twenty something ❤︎

Hey lovelies! If you’re reading this, you might be someone who’s feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of having a massive friend group. Social media, movies, TV shows, and books tend to over-romanticize having a big group of friends that you always hang out with. Or maybe you’re wondering why, despite having so many friends, you sometimes feel lonely or unfulfilled. Well, let me tell you something: having a big friend group isn’t always the dream it’s made out to be. Let’s sit down, grab a cup of coffee (or tea, if that’s your thing), and chat about why quality often trumps quantity when it comes to friendships.

Here are a few key points from what I’m about to say:

• You never know what’s real and fake from social media
• Balance is key: fear of missing out is real, but solitude is so important
• Quality friends will always be better than the quantity of them

As a big sister, this is advice I’ve given my younger sister time and time again. I hope this eases your feelings a bit, and I hope you enjoy!

The Illusion of Popularity

First things first, let’s talk about the idea of popularity. Social media has a way of making us believe that the number of friends we have is directly proportional to our worth. You see people with hundreds of likes and comments on their posts, and it’s easy to think they must be living the dream. But here’s the truth: those numbers don’t always reflect genuine connections. And from first hand experience, even big friend groups that seem super close tend to have sub groups within them. A big friend group can give the illusion of popularity, but it doesn’t always translate to real, meaningful relationships.

In my experience, before college, I didn’t have a “group of friends”. I played tennis throughout high school, so I ended up hanging out with those girls the most. I would occasionally grab coffee or study with the people in my classes. But that all changed when I entered my freshman year of college.

Don’t get me wrong; freshman year was one of the best years of my life. But to be so honest, college is like high school but worse. I personally loved both my high school and college experiences, but there is so. much. drama. At least with the people I found myself becoming friends with.

At first, it seemed perfect. I had a great group of girl friends and a group of guys we would regularly hang out with. But as people started getting to know each other better and spending more time with one another, tensions arose. There were relationships within the friend group, people bad-mouthing a person in the group to another, hangouts being scheduled specifically to target people. There were even instances of “kicking” people out of the group, which is was actually so dramatic.

All of these internal things happening to the group and to the individuals within it was really harmful and toxic. It still gets to me sometimes even though it’s been years. But no one, and I mean no one, outside of the group knew that there was anything amiss. According to social media, we were still a tight-knit group. Even though half of the people hated each other.

I’m not trying to target anyone as I’m still friends with a lot of these people, and I’m not going to sit here and say I didn’t do anything I regret either: I definitely have. We are young and we make mistakes and learn from them- that’s how life works. All this to say, don’t ever feel bad about not having a “big” group of friends. Remember that you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. Also remember this: comparison is the thief of joy. This is one of my favorite phrases, something I live by daily. This applies to anything in life, not just friendships. Anytime you feel like you’re comparing your life to others, always try to express gratitude instead. Be grateful for the things that you do have, and be happy for the people who achieved what they wanted. A positive mindset will always, ALWAYS, provide abundance in life.

Meaningful Connections

When you have a large friend group, it’s hard to develop deep, meaningful connections with everyone. Time is limited, and building a strong bond with someone takes effort. It involves sharing experiences, being vulnerable, and investing time and energy into the relationship. Doing this with everyone in your friend group is often impossible unless a lot of time has passed in meeting and getting to know each other (like my high school friend group with people I’ve known since middle school). This is why smaller groups within a bigger group are usually formed.

In a big friend group, conversations can often remain surface-level. You might talk about the latest TV shows or discuss weekend plans, and while these interactions are fun and enjoyable, they don’t necessarily build the kind of deep connection that helps you feel truly understood and supported.

It’s perfectly okay to have friends for “surface level” interactions. I feel like especially in college, there are lots of different groups (big or small) that a person can have. You might have a friend that you talk to in class, or a few that you like to party with. Maybe there’s one friend that you like to study with anytime you bump into them in the library, but wouldn’t really hang out with them otherwise.

This is perfectly normal.

It’s even GOOD to have friends like this. Some people discount the importance of having simple interactions in day to day life, but I personally think it’s a joy to have. Not every single friendship you have has to be deep and fulfilling; sometimes it’s nice to just have a conversation about someone’s outfit in passing. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to be best friends with everyone.

You don’t need to have a big group of friends to have a lot of friends. And having a lot of friends doesn’t mean that you have to be super close with all of them. If my experience has taught me anything, I think it’s almost better to have a lot of different friends that serve different purposes. In the unfortunate event that a friend group breaks up or you no longer align with them (yes, this did happen to me), it’s good to have friends that are just YOURS. Less drama, more simple, and you’re happier. Remember: friends are meant to add joy to your life, not stress.

Speaking as someone who has experienced a big group of friends, I would much rather have 2 or 3 close friends and surface level friends that get me through the day than a group of 12 people who just hang out with each other all the time. Quality over quantity is a concept that applies to many things, especially friendships.

The Pressure to Fit In

Another downside to having a big friend group is the pressure to fit in. When you’re part of a large group, there’s often an unspoken expectation to conform to the group’s norms and behaviors. This can sometimes lead you to suppress your true self in order to be accepted.

For me, my group was really heavy into partying. As in, they’d want to “go out” 4-5 days a week (which is not normal and definitely not healthy). Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to go out. Catch me out every Friday dancing with my friends or even getting a nice drink and dinner. It’s a simple pleasure in life for sure. But personally, I need balance in life as well. And I think balance is so important for self development and growth.

I’m a hard worker and school is really important to me. I have career aspirations that could be considered to be more far fetched than most, and I enjoy regularly listening to podcasts and reading books and articles that help me continuously improve myself. As much as I love loud nights out, I enjoy quiet nights so much too. Taking a long shower, cooking a nice dinner, putting a face mask on, and reading a good book after a long day is essential for me to recharge and unwind.

And I’m not saying it’s impossible to have both. But there has to be a healthy balance.

Life is all about balance: balancing work and life, balancing time alone and time spent with others, etc etc. Having a group that is constantly doing one thing when you use it more as a “change” or “reward” from the normal isn’t the best idea for you and your health, mental and physical.

I felt the need to fit in as well as the fear of missing out so much that I would trade nights in almost all of the time for nights out the second someone asked me. Even if I was fully in bed, I would jump out and go. Did I have a good time? Yes, for sure. But having fun all the time isn’t good either. Again: balance. I started losing the motivation to do certain things, including self care and studying, because I was having so much fun. It led to me feeling dissatisfied and I felt as if I was losing myself. There’s more to life than that, which took me a while to learn. And it all starts with the people you surround yourself with.

The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

Ah, FOMO. I know it well; it’s a beast always lurking in the back of my mind. This can especially be amplified by social media and when you have a big friend group. With so many people doing different things, there’s always something happening that you’re not a part of. Thinking about all the things you could be doing can really be exhausting.

This happens to me quite a bit. Even if I’m doing something that I really enjoy, like reading a book or taking a self care night, the second I see that my friends are doing something without me, I feel like I’m missing out.

It could be something as small as one of my friends staying in to watch a movie with one of her friends, but as soon as I see it on snapchat I feel the sense of impending doom that I’m really missing out on their company or conversation (whatever it may be). Or maybe a big group of people are getting together for a night out when I know I need to stay in study. FOMO is a beast, all right.

When you’re always trying to keep up with a large group, you might find yourself spread too thin, trying to be everywhere at once. This is just not realistic. It’s so important to spend time with genuine friends, but also make time for yourself and the things that are important for you and your future. It’s something I struggle with, especially in college when I’m in such close proximity to all of my friends and there’s always something to do. Just realize that a) you’re not alone and b) it’s okay (and good!) to spend time alone. For me, although I love being with my friends, I need a little alone time every day to recharge. Everyone’s different and everyone has different things that are important to them. Make sure that the people you align with understand your needs and embrace them.

Though big groups are nice to have, speaking from experience, I would much prefer to have a few close friends than a big group of them. These are the people who truly get you, who know your likes and your life and love you for who you are. They’re the ones you can call at any time, who will drop everything to be there for you, and who make you feel seen and valued.

Having a few close friends allows you to invest deeply in those relationships. You can have meaningful conversations, share your dreams and fears, and build a strong support system. These friendships are often more fulfilling and enduring than those in a large, loosely connected group.

When you’re authentic in your friendships, you attract people who resonate with your true self. These are the friends who will support your growth, encourage your passions, and stand by you through anything. Wouldn’t you much rather have a small group that you can share your secrets with than a big group to party with all the time?

With that being said, there’s no doubt friendships are important. They add joy to your life and the good ones are there for you no matter what. But it’s so important to take care of yourself too. Maintaining a large friend group can be draining, both emotionally and physically. It’s important to take time for yourself, to recharge and focus on your own needs and goals.

When you have a few close friends, it’s easier to find a balance between socializing and self-care. Your true friends will understand and respect your need for alone time, and they’ll be there to support you when you need it. This balance is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional health.

It’s all about being intentional with your time and energy. It’s about choosing to invest in relationships that truly matter and that bring positivity into your life. This doesn’t mean cutting off everyone else, but rather, focusing on the friendships that are most meaningful to you. And more often than not, that doesn’t include a really large friend group.

It’s also important to acknowledge that friendships change over time. As you grow and evolve, so will your friendships. Some people will naturally drift away, while others will become closer. This is a normal part of life, and it’s okay.

Learning to be okay alone

Finally, let’s talk about the importance of being comfortable with solitude. Having a big friend group can sometimes make you reliant on constant social interaction, which can prevent you from developing a strong sense of self. This happened to me my sophomore year of college; I would literally hang out with people from the second I woke up to the second I went to bed. Although I look back on those times with nostalgia and rose colored glasses, I truly faced a self identity crisis because I no longer really had time for the things I enjoyed doing. Between hanging out with friends all day and classes, there was barely any time for me to go to the gym, read, check in with my family, go on walks, even eat sometimes. Which is so bad to admit, but it’s true. My own personal health declined in order to please the people around me, which is never okay.

I started to feel a dependency for my friends and felt like there was something wrong if I spent too much time alone. Which would lead me to scroll on social media and feel FOMO again and call someone up just so I wouldn’t be alone: and that cycle would continue. When you’re comfortable with solitude, you’re less likely to feel lonely or unfulfilled, even when you’re not surrounded by a large group of friends. You’ll find that your own company is just as enjoyable and enriching as the company of others.

Now I absolutely love being alone, which might sound kind of weird but it isn’t. I still have lots of friends I hang out with, family I check in with, dates with my boyfriend. But I make sure to prioritize time for me. And that is what’s so crucial.

Ultimately, it’s about finding those few people who truly understand and accept you. You need to be selective with your friendships: you can’t be best friends with everyone. It’s about building deep, meaningful connections that bring joy and fulfillment into your life. A big friend group might seem appealing, but it’s the quality of your friendships that truly matters. And a quality friend is worth so much more than a million surface level ones.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of maintaining a large friend group, or if you’re wondering why your big friend group isn’t bringing you the happiness you expected, remember this: it’s good to have just a few close friends. It’s good to prioritize quality over quantity. And it’s good to take time for yourself, to embrace solitude, and to be selective with your friendships.

Life is too short to spend it trying to keep up with everyone else. Focus on the relationships that truly matter, invest in your own well-being, and don’t be afraid to be your authentic self. You’ll find that a few genuine friends can bring you more happiness and fulfillment than a large group ever could.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Many people go through the same realization, and it’s a sign of self-awareness. Trust in the process, and know that you’re on the right path to building a happier, more fulfilling social life.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear any takeaways you have after reading this. And remember, you’re never alone! Lots of love always ❤